Cold Truth

     If you've ever spent a few hours walking around in the freezing cold with less then $20. in your pocket and your stomach is growling from emptiness. Then you know hunger, you know the pain from the cold attacking all exposed areas of your body. Amplify that with not having a safe warm place to lay your head for the night and despair, depression and hopelessness come to a head, fast!
     I was uptown on E.93 st.&; Madison ave. hoping to run into Luis the superintendent. I waited hoping to accidently run into him. Finally, I asked a passing security guard for the block. He told me Luis had died. My heart fell to my stomach. Not because I wasnt going to get to crash at his place, but because I loved this guy. He was the father of one of tyhe guys I grew up with. It was along time since we'd seen eachother but that wouldnt have mattered. When I lived on the block and we ran into eachother it was like long lost family. It wouldnt have been any difference. I was sad cause he was dead.
     I lived at 22 E.93st. for 7years. and I gave Luis the key to my crib. He could go and come as he pleased. Even the old security guard, another father of a childhood friend was gone.It was a lonely feeling not having anyone to turn too. As I walked down Madison ave. I could see through the reflection in a mirror that the chain wasnt fastened properly on one of the Jewelry displays.I didnt care about the cameras cause I had a hood and hat on. My face was undistinquishable. Gloves stopped prints. All I had to do was move quickly and catch a cab on Park ave. I looked around and knew I was clear, but in my heart I just couldnt do it. It was wrong. It would be like taking a million steps backward.I took a deep breath of the cold air and as it burned my lungs I knew that I could be breathing cold air for 10years upstate at Sing Sing for this stupidity. That or I could get away withit and have to carry around all that guilt. I stopped in the deli on E.92st &; Madison and the korean lady gave me a free cup of tea. I smiled and thanked her from the bottom of my heart. That was the nicest thing anyone had done for me in a long time.
     I took a few moments to get my head straight and went down the subway on E.96st &; Lexington ave. I took the train to the Bronx, went to Lincoln Hospitals Psychiatric Emergency room and claimed to be suicidal. I got admitted and knew that if I played the depression card I could lay up for at least a month.
     I'm not proud.But I was able to get some much needed help, and I had a bed. Even though I tell myself I did it for the bed I know that I really needed help.I thank God that it was there when I most needed it. Think about how many people are in prison cause they were either too proud or too stupid.Not all miracles come with blinding bright lights and harp playing angels.