PTSD

     I'm self diagnosed. PTSD from years of abuse growing up and into adulthood. Signs were always there but by being around my mother as an adult almost crippled me emotionally. 

     To avoid going back into the shelter system I moved into her home. From the beginning it was made clear that this wasn't my home. 2 bedrooms empty and you had to sleep in the living room in a corner. You weren't allowed to have a bed. You used two excercise mats. Rarely were you ever given food. You could be sick and you wouldn't get a glass of water. I was sick with fever and took a piece of chicken to make soup and she poured choleric into it. 

     Yelling was more common then the spoken word. And then she'd get into her hyper vidulant stage and she'd throw open the door and tell you you have to leave and the threats with the cops start. More then threats, she'll go to family court and lie to the judge getting an order of protection. When she's ready, usually when you're at your lowest she will call the cops and serve you and you're out in the streets. This has happened to me three times. It will never change!

     It's not by chance that you're at your lowest point emotionally. You are physically sick by the time she calls the cops . 

     I used to hate being Puerto Rican. But that has nothing to do with it. There's a genetic connection between my grandmother and her children that lead to this. Mostly though it's environmental. I say this because my mothers older half sister grew up away from her mother. Her father took the baby away from my grandmother to be raised by his sisters. What's come clear to me was that he knew she was incapable of healthily rearing a child. 

     My mothers father had 3 children with her but wouldn't marry her. She was a hot woman but she had emotional problems that were obvious to others. So here is where it all starts.