I can't blame him

     People like Hoffman, and others who've slipped and/or od'd aren't weak. It takes great courage to get out of bed when ur an addict or alcoholic. Don't make a difference in what the name of the substance is. It's the disease. 

     There's a saying "That once ur a pickle u can't go back to being a cucumber." Even after a year or two, at one time I hadn't done dope in over ten years. It only takes that first one. And off to the races. 

     Look life gets better. There's no way in hell that anyone's gonna spend years white knuckling it!

     Even driving a yellow cab in NYC, I get drug tested. And truthfully, it don't bother me. I don't like being tested but I feel a small sense of pride knowing that I'm clean.

     You try to find pleasure and joy in the small things! And with some work and support you build from that. 

     For some it's 12 step programs. For others it religion, and then for hard cases like me it's life. It took a real discipline. The only time I'd ever achieved any long period of clean time was with my martial arts training. 

     Intelligence isn't enough. If that were the case addicts would all be blue collar high school drop outs. In fact most addicts are incredible problem solvers. With skills comparible to any super spy. Living double lives for long periods of time. Keeping that secret, guarding that secret to within an inch of death. And many will die keeping that secret. 

     If you notice, many people don't die in squaller, they're not financially destitute. In fact a great many die when they're on the upswing or even on top of the game. 

     One thing I couldn't stress enough is that addiction runs the gamut. From hard working people to the squzziest, sleaziest low life's in existence. 

     The flip side of the coin is that just because someone has long periods of clean, sober time doesn't mean that they're right in the head. My own sponser at the time who had 20+ yrs without a drink told me that I had said to him that I molested a child. That shit really blew my mind. To make the jump that I'd go from being a child whose been molested to that I'd do some sick shit to any child had me wanting to hurt him really bad. Actually, it hurt me so much that couldn't look at him anymore. In my book that is the lowest you can go. I've never been able to figure that one out. What I do know is that whatever his motives, all I could really do is live my life as I've been doing it. I haven't come this far in life to wind up with a felony jacket over some piss in his pants drunk. 

    I'm constantly asking myself "Is this worth it?" Is it worth destroying what I've started building upon?