When all I was doing was stuffing it all further and further down.
Then I started to find the freedom you get from meditation. I started to break the chains of emotional bondage from years of abuse. One day I find out accidental that I have malignant cancer . Hodgkin's Disease. I was fully into my Go state of mind. I was gonna meet this head on. I had love, I had friends, I had all the beautiful support to beat this and keep going.
Then my mother shows up with her Tupperware dill with food. Look she cooked for me. Well you can be sure that she hit me up for money before she left.
Well, she found a foothold and snuck back into my life. And since I had some money she wasn't leaving.
Long story short. Cancer, major surgeries, radiation treatment and then a major break up. Add my train wreck of a mother and her manipulation and I wanted to crawl right back into the womb! There were 2 real adult loves and they had both failed. So I grabbed onto a girl that seemed nice enough. I was physically broken down, I was emotionally crippled and the vultures on the periphery of my life moved in. First it was with the cocaine. And you know what ? It fucking worked! I didn't feel weak and vulnerable anymore. It gave me a boost of energy. Then, I began to further associate with the vermin from my past. Juan Pablo! Saco Papa. "Sack of potatoes!" By then he was a full fledged crack head. And smoking that shit intensified the rush 5 times. I was hooked and couldn't stop. Between the drugs and vermin from my past. I say vermin cause Juan Pablo was never really a part of my story. He was malicious, caniving,and a thieving lier. Was pretty much my opposite. But like my mother, he got a foothold. It's incredible how similar they are.
With my head and heart all fucked I couldn't see clearly enough to resolve this problem. I didn't want to. I really wanted to die. Then as everything in that life falls apart, I bail. I go live at my moms . I move back into the nightmare.
Hindsight is 20/20. Yes it is. Within a short period of time I was homeless and on the streets. Shelters, drop inn centers and the new one. I start using the psychiatric wards as a hotel. My loving mom wasn't about helping me. It was about getting me out. I had no money and I was of no use to her. I'm not gonna feed into tagging her with the mountain of foul shit that she's done. That she turned everyone against everyone. There was no love, nothing!
After ten years of this merry-go-round, I wanted to get off. The shelters , programs hospitals. Her with her mind and emotion dibilitating control games. Using the courts and cops as her lap dogs. Enough, the last time I stayed there she had bed bugs everywhere. And they had bitten me and given me some blood infection that had lodged in my knee. You gotta love it. She even blamed me for her bedbugs.
My knee is swollen, I can barely walk. She calls the cops and serves me with an order of protection and throws me into the street. I cant walk and now I'm in the street. I went down to E.30st. The Belevue men's shelter. I was lucky to get a bed in Bedford-Atlantic shelter and in the morning had to go to court. I actually made it to the Bronx but I went to Lincoln Hospital's ER. My knee had blown up. And the pain so bad I couldn't go to court.
Two surgeries in one week and 12 weeks of intro venous antibiotics. Through all of this mess at the hospital I needed to get physical rehab for my knee. Couldn't do it at home, so I was placed in a nursing home for physical rehab. That's how I met my good friend Bobby Q. (End of Part 1)
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